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Step 1: Decide what you want to eat
Man, an omelet sounds amazing.

Step 2: Decide what you want in your omelet
Holy shit goat cheese is delicious. I’m going with goat cheese. It needs some sort of meat product to cut the flavor, though…

Step 3: Consider eating the questionably-old chicken sausage
The use-by date is June 4. That’s in like, three months, it should be fine. It smells okay. Besides, it’s fully cooked. This is a perfectly fine thing to eat, right? Oh shit, this is not a perfectly fine thing to eat.

Step 4: Frantically search for other breakfast meats, fail to find any
God damn it, this is why I should go to the store weekly instead of wandering down every fucking day to pick up a frozen pizza and some beer.

Step 5: Consider and reject the idea of a meatless omelet
Blasphemy, self. How can you suggest such a thing?

Step 6: Reconsider chicken sausage
It’s not that old. It smells okay. Besides, I’m not eating much of it. I’ll be fine.

Please let me be fine if I eat this.

Step 7: Cook the living fuck out of the chicken sausage
Cranking the heat up will just kill all the bacteria, right? You don’t get botulism from chickens, either. That’s just in the bulging cans and homemade garlic in oil. I mean, I think it’s only in… Oh crap what about E coli? Have there been any sausage-related E coli outbreaks recently? I should turn the stove up to 11.

Step 8: Pray for good health while making the omelet
Dear Cthulhu,* Spaghetti Monster, and Bigfoot, do not let me die while frothing at the mouth from eating a slightly past-its-prime chicken sausage. Dear Cthulu, Spaghetti Monster, and Bigfoot, do not let me die…

Step 9: Consume omelet while maintaining constant vigilance for “off” tastes
Oh shit it’s tangy. Wait, that’s goat cheese. Oh fucking Christ, what is that taste? Oh yeah, I added a bunch of black pepper. Why is it tangy again?! Oh yeah, goat cheese, again…

Step 10: Successfully finish eating omelet, realize you have no idea if it was good or not because you were too busy wondering if the sausage would kill you dead. Breakfast status: ruined.**
Self-explanatory.

* I suppose it should have been Great Cthulhu or Mighty Cthulhu, but we atheists are a contrary lot when it comes to gods.
** For the record: the sausage was fine, I’m just a paranoid freak.

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