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Apologies for the delay, I was working two unexpected shifts.

About once every two years or so I take stock of my wardrobe, realize I dress like a fucking child, and decide I need to change this. This inevitably backfires because a) clothes, even used, are ridiculously expensive and b) most clothing is crap. I usually wind up throwing my hands up in frustration and sticking to my jeans-and-t-shirt uniform, but not without doing a little bit of research on the clothing options currently available to me. Unfortunately, my mother is not terribly interested in clothing and most of my friends have completely different shapes and coloring, so I do what any normal introverted nerd would do: I turn to the internet. People, this is a mistake. While some people do look well-put-together, there are many articles of clothing sold by retailers or worn brazenly by style bloggers which, bluntly, make me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon. Below is a collection of the five worst offenders I’ve seen, regardless of whether or not they’re still “fashionable.”

1. Harem pants

The inventor of harem pants must have a have a huge thing for women who have badly chapped inner thighs, look like they’re wearing diapers, and can’t run away from him.* This is the only explanation. What in the fuck does anybody see in these? Plus, let’s note that these pants are eighty bucks and made of fucking jersey knit. You might as well torch the eighty bucks and walk around in your underwear, fewer people will stare.

2. Ankle booties

Every now and then, I imagine the leaders of the fashion industry sitting around a table** discussing how exactly they can slip something into this year’s clothing lines that will, without fail, make every woman who wears it look like a complete twat. They succeeded mightily with the ankle bootie. While these don’t look particularly offensive to the eyes, ankle booties perform an anti-miracle: they make every single person’s legs look stumpy. Even the willowiest, most gazelle-like of women, blessed with miles-long legs, looks like like you’ve hacked her feet off at the ankle in these things. I didn’t think it was possible to find a pair of heels that did that, until I saw ankle booties. Plus, if you pair ankle booties with socks you might as well just get it over with now and admit you’re going blind.

3. Every Unitard Ever Made by American Apparel

I’m not linking simply because hot damn the creepiness of the American Apparel catalog gives me the willies, but you can mosey over and check it out yourself. It might be the barely-legal models, it might be the almost-see-through fabrics, but fuck everything about these items of clothing*** is just wrong. Again: better off in just your underwear, at least people would know you didn’t even try to dress yourself in the morning.

4. Shorts Suits

For those of you lucky enough to not have any clue what I’m talking about, shorts suits are women’s suits with shorts instead of pants or skirts for bottoms. It’s pretty much the clothing equivalent of a mullet: it’s ugly, vaguely unsettling, and only teenagers and dumbasses think it’s a good idea. I don’t care what the Wall Street Journal has to say, these are wrong. And I’m from Florida, the one place in the US that will always err on the side of shorts. You want it short? Wear the skirt. Shorts are never business or formal wear.

5. Anything leopard-print

My aversion to this print is actually not based on what it looks like, but rather the fact that every time I see anyone wearing leopard print anything I automatically think of Stiffler’s Mom from American Pie. Kind of like how any remotely high-wasted pants make me think of this.**** Do you want to be Stiffler’s Mom? I didn’t think so.

And there you have it. If you ever see me in one of these items of clothing, please, please, remind me of this post and ask me when the head injury occurred.

(This is totally unrelated to clothing but it warms my Classicist heart, so I present you with: Let’s Play: Ancient Greek Punishment!)

* Maybe the lack of mobility is why they’re harem pants? *rimshot*
Okay, okay, that one was both kind of offensive and awful.
** I’m willing to bet Karl Lagerfeld has a secret underground lair in Antarctica, just like Dr. Evil.
*** As they leave nothing to the imagination, I’m using the term “clothing” loosely.
**** On a side note, the best thing about I Love the 90s is when the actress who played Laura on Family Matters discusses Jaleel White’s Urkel costume. Try to get a hold of that clip, I can’t find it anywhere.