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A few quick things as I recover from some gin and tonic action last night.

1. God damn I’m glad I live next door to my job

I think I have to work tomorrow, but I’m not sure. Luckily for me, I just need to walk outside whenever I hear my boss go into the storage garage underneath my apartment to confirm. I’m thankful for this fucking daily. Rain? Sleet? Snow? I have a minute-long walk as a commute. Beats the hell out of riding my bike around in the Southern heat.

2. I always wanted to be a librarian for the odd book combinations.

In the past week, I’ve checked out the following books: Dark Whispers by Bruce Coville*, Bridge of Birds by Barry Hughart, How to Cook Everything by Mark Bittman, and American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. We have a children’s fantasy novel, an adult fantasy novel, a cookbook, and a book considered to be one of the more violent books written. This list alone is fine, but what I really want to do is check out a biography of Jeffrey Dahmer plus maybe a book on crime scene investigation while I turn in American Psycho and How to Cook Everything. It’s kinda like going to Walmart and purchasing Astroglide, rope, Snickers and Redbull.** What will the clerk think?

3. Damn. Pants.***

I have, as many do, a very favorite pair of jeans. Unfortunately, I also have things called “thighs,” which have resulted in two large holes in the crotch of said very favorite pair of jeans. Being lazy, I did the half-assed iron-on patch thing and when that fell apart (as they always do), I switched to my second favorite pair of jeans. Unfortunately, my thighs have struck again (or, more accurately, rubbed together again) and I’m now developing holes in those jeans, too. As I only have two pairs of jeans, this is a problem. My options are: wear the holey jeans and make everyone’s dreams come true whenever I bend over; wear the only other pair of casual pants I have, some cords that are a little too short and fit me way better when I was ten pounds lighter; or get off my ass and for-reals patch my pants. I’ve been going with a combination of the first and second option for a while now. I’m amazed no one’s filed a complaint at work.

On a side note: thighs, why do you do this to me? I like you quite a bit, even if you’re slightly larger than proportional. I’ve never called you fat, or lamented your existence, as some women with less, er, impressive thighs do on a regular basis. So why do you have this vendetta against my pants? Do you really just want to unleash your glory that badly? I mean, you’re pretty spectacular and all, but can we at least wait until June to set you loose? The rest of me will be quite cold if we do it now.

4. Never underestimate the power of the internet detective

I blog relatively anonymously,**** though I put enough detail up that someone who knew me could figure out who I am. None of my real-person e-mail accounts or social media (not that I actually have very much of this) are hooked up to this WordPress account, but that has not stopped an in-real-life friend of mine from figuring out that a) this blog exists and b) that I’m behind it. Last night, she asked if I had a blog. Being caught off guard and half in the bag on gin, I attempted to say no, was quickly caught in the lie, and had to sheepishly admit that, fuck, yes, I have a blog and am lame. So, moral of this story: assume someone you know reads your blog. Also, don’t try to lie if you’ve been drinking, you’ll look like an asshole.***** (PS: Hi dogs!)

*Am I the only woman who read the first Unicorn book he put out back when I was like eleven, then as an adult found out he wrote a sequel ten fucking years later and felt like they’d been robbed of girly fantasy as a child? Oh, I am? Damn.
**Minus the rope, I’ve made this purchase. At 8 am, no less. I totally got a side-eye.
***Name that film!
****Even R doesn’t read this. Seriously. I think he thinks it’s some sort of personal journal or other such nonsense, but after being exposed it just reinforces my desire to keep my pen-and-paper journal for the actual whiny woe-is-me shit and leave the fluff for the internet. Seems to be working so far.
***** If you take out the “if you’ve been drinking” part, this sentence is still true!