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Dear Cheap People:

You may have a really good reason to be cheap, like having no job or little money, or just being careful about what you spend. It’s okay. I’m cheap, too. But, if you’re purchasing presents at a store that offers holiday wrapping and you change your mind about getting things wrapped after finding out that we charge straight-up cash-money to do it for you, please keep the following in mind:

1. Be polite. If someone informs you of the charge and asks if that will be okay, the correct response is not “no, that is not ‘okay,'” or “well, forget it, then,” while giving the cashier a level-three stink-eye. It makes you look like a fucking asshole.

2. If you’re asking a busy store to wrap more than two or three presents during the holidays and you’re asking for a discount, newsflash: you are taking advantage of a service. Wrap your own damned presents. At the very least leave your purchases and come back an hour or so later. Standing off to the side and glaring every time the people (who were in line before you) get their packages handed to them makes you look like a fucking asshole.

3. It costs way, way more than we charge to wrap once you’ve bought supplies. No really, it does. I’ve done the math. Bitching about the cost of  donating a few dollars to charity in order to have your presents wrapped in nice paper with home-made bows makes you look like a fucking asshole.

4. If you see three people behind the counter frantically wrapping as fast as they can, bitching that you paid a whole dollar, why isn’t this faster makes you look like a fucking asshole.

5. Saying “well, I’ll pay only because the money is going to charity” shows that you a) give no fucks about how hard retail and other service employees work during busy times, b) don’t think they or the business should benefit from busy times, and c) makes you look like a fucking asshole.

6. If it’s ten minutes before close, please don’t even think of asking. It makes you look like a fucking asshole.

7. Don’t act incredulous about the fact that we charge (and donate the proceeds!) for wrapping during the holidays. I’ve got a HUGE shocker for you: you are not the only person shopping for lots of gifts for lots of people who does not have very much time and dislikes wrapping presents. If we gave the service away free, we’d have to hire more employees just to wrap your presents and would not make the cash we’d need to stay afloat the rest of the year. Acting like you’re entitled to have all ten of your purchases wrapped on the spot at no charge on our highest-volume days of the year because we’ll do limited complementary wrapping during the rest of the year makes you look like a fucking asshole.*

8. If you complain about spending, say, $2 to get a few presents wrapped “even if it’s going to charity” while desperately clutching your five dollar mocha-peppermint-gingerbread-double-shot-latte-with-extra-whipped-cream from Starbucks while rummaging in your $200 purse and tossing your 2011 Lexus keys on the desk, it (say it with me now!) makes you look like a fucking asshole.

You may not, in fact, be a fucking asshole if you do these things. You might be having a bad day, or legitimately need to save the cash. But still. Just saying, guys.

Thanks,

MJ

* Also, if you’re a “long -standing customer” as you claim, you’d know we do this every year and have for about fifteen years now. Fuck off, you are fooling no one.

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