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I have an undying love of Christmas music. I know it’s not good music, but I do think it’s fun, and, considering I don’t really give two shits about music that’s what counts for me. Hell, I’ll even enjoy that terrible Frank-Sinatra-crooning-Silent-Night stuff; I just really, really love the sappy, Christmassy shit. However, my love does have its limits. There are five Christmas songs that, within seconds of hearing, will turn me into a rabid holiday-season hater until I’m far, far away and have scrubbed my ears free of their awfulness. Because misery loves company, behold: the five worst Christmas songs ever written.

1. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, by Elmo and Patsy Trigg

Argh. This piece of shit is constantly played by anyone who a) has no sense of humor and b) is thoroughly convinced that they do. Usually a large, booming-voiced older family member. The kind of person who loooves this song is the same guy who thinks it’s hilarious to play Got Your Nose with his fourteen year old nephew: it’s not even like sitting him down and explaining to him exactly why his nephew is too old for that crap would make a difference, he’d just be convinced the kid needs to “have a little fun,” whatever the fuck that means. He’s the family member that’s just embarrassing but never, ever learns from everyone’s repeated pleas to knock it the fuck off because his ability to gauge human response to stimuli has no actual basis in reality.

Anyway, this song is atrocious. Listen to it. Why was this written? Argh.

2. Merry Christmas, Elvis by Michele Cody

Just so you know how bad it can be, the song ends with Ms. Cody asking Elvis to “wish baby Jesus a happy birthday for [her].” Since Elvis is obviously a) in heaven and b) has enough access to Our Lord and Savior to personally deliver this message. Elvis fans: please stop the madness. Also, this definitely fits the category of Only In America.

I could go on, but I can’t find a recording of it and I actually feel the title says it all. Next!

3. Disco Santa, Unknown “Artist”

Another terrible song missing a convenient MP3 or YouTube link. I’ve managed to find a sample on Amazon for you, on the Holiday Express* album. Scroll down to the section titled Listen to Samples and take a few seconds to inflict Track 4 on yourself. What stands out to you?

Yes, before you ask, you heard it right. This is a Christmas song to the tune of Y.M.C.A. by the Village People. Yes, the chorus is, indeed, “Santa, Santa Claus/I want to be/a Santa Claus.” But you haven’t heard the worst yet. You got cut off before he starts in on his N-O-E-L chant. I think we’re done here.

4. Dominick the Donkey, by Lou Monte**

Ohhh, the donkey neighing just sets me off. I have no idea what it is about this song that just annoys the piss out of me, but there you go. Maybe I secretly hate donkeys, Italians, Christmas, Lou Monte, or all of the above?

5. Jingle Bell Rock, by anyone and everyone who’s ever had a Christmas album

Worst. Christmas song. Ever. I can’t escape this, it’s fucking everywhere, and it’s so awful. So, so awful. And I can put up with Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.*** Just listen to the lyrics! They’re atrocious. “Giddy up jingle horse”? What the ever-loving fuck is a jingle horse? It does not sound natural, I can tell you that. He goes further down the shitter on that verse alone with this masterpiece of lyricism, rhyming, and complete control of the English language: “Giddy up jingle horse/pick up your feet/jingle around the clock/mix and mingle with the jingling feet.”

Hold up now. Did motherfucker just rhyme “feet” with… “feet”? You bet he did. What a lazy piece of garbage. Do not attempt to say that the second “feet” was actually “beat.” I’ve looked this up. It’s feet. It’s just that badly written. God. I’m going to stop now and go listen to the Vienna Boy’s Choir sing God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen to replace the horrible crap in my head. Never say I don’t suffer for my art.

* Also, read the reviews and imagine what those people must be like in real life.

** While looking for a video of this song on YouTube, I found a song titled Who Put the Dick on the Snowman? Oh, America. Who indeed.

*** Why did I just admit to that?