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To all folks who write or generate spam comments: Put some damned effort into it. Don’t you take any pride in your work? A genius spam comment is just deceptive enough to make you think that maybe it’s real (I’ve let a few pass that were probably spam just because I wasn’t absolutely sure), not laugh your damn fool head off because it’s so obviously, terribly computer generated.

Let’s start with a passable spam comment I received from “Shonna Sundeen.” It started out okay, just “Great Info!”

The problem with this comment? It was on this post. That post is about how drunk I was when writing a post the day before. There’s no fucking information to call “Great!” unless you’re fascinated by my drunken diatribes and need to gauge my daily alcohol consumption by merely reading this blog. If you know me in person, you already know I’m a damned lush, and if you’re just starting to read this… well, you can probably tell about half a post in, too. Also, as I have about three followers and less than two hundred hits, somehow I doubt my drinking is of any concern to Shonna. Oh, yeah – heeeeeee.whatever or whatever the hell she was posting as her website is so obviously fake I would have deleted the comment on principle even if I could tell that it was written by a real human being who’d actually read the damn post he or she was commenting on.

Let’s move on to a more blatant spam comment. This one came from “Jamal Eurich,” and read:

“The subsequent time I learn a weblog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I imply, I know it was my option to learn, however I really thought youd have one thing attention-grabbing to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about one thing that you possibly can fix should you werent too busy in search of attention.”

First of all, please make sure your random text generator can write at an eighth grade level, at least. If someone who didn’t speak English that well wrote this, I’d think it was fine (it certainly gets the point across), but for someone trying hard to get clicks on his or her horrific scam site, it could be a lot better. If I’m being insulted, I need to be sure it’s a real person before clicking on jamesonsuperblogs76.com or whatever. Mangled English does not really make me confident in that assumption. Second, what the fuck did I do to you, random text generator, to make you hate me this much? Sorry I don’t have a single “attention grabbing” thing to say, Mr. Computer. Also, “whining about one thing”? Bitch, please. That comment was on this post, in which I was fixing my problem of having read that drivel The Magician King by reading a Guy Gavriel Kay novel. I’m obviously fixing my damned problems. Fix your fucking spell check – your contractions are terrible.

Lastly, let’s take a look at what the spam generator “electronic cigarette” said:

“electronic cigarette, or maybe smokeless cigarette, will be an electro-mechanical equipment of which simulates the action of tobacco smoking simply by making an breathed in mist displaying typically the real sensation, physical appearance, and the best kinds the flavour along with cigarette smoking articles and other content of breathed in cigarettes however but without the notice of cigarettes. [Ed note: this continued for three paragraphs.]”

What. The. Fuck. electronic cigarette. You’re not even trying. What kind of a name is electronic cigarette anyway? It’s obvious you’re only commenting to sell something. Besides, why the hell did you spam my blog? I’ve never posted anything about smoking, ever. Your criteria for blogs to spam must just be something along the lines of “contains the word ‘the’ in one post.” I have no patience for this kind of bullshit. Be a little more subtle, fer Chrissakes.

In case you’re wondering, I also read my spam e-mail for a laugh. After all, I apparently desperately need penis enlarging pills. Interesting, as I don’t have a penis.