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So, I spent a week in Florida. It was nice, as we got to see a variety of family and attended a good friend’s wedding, but since I’m recovering from getting in at one am Pacific after starting the journey at ten am Eastern, I’m phoning it in with a list format.

1. Casual weddings are awesome

I attended my best friend’s super-casual wedding. I wore jeans. It was amazing. Note to all getting married: ditch the effing dress code and go casual. Everyone is happier that way.

Also, the person officiating the wedding was closely related to a relatively well-known actor and looked and sounded just like him. It was eerie. A bunch of people commented on it without knowing they were related, and my friend told me and a few others quietly with the caveat of “we don’t mention it because [officiant] is, you know, a lot more than the [relation] of [actor].” (He was a nice guy and had a wonderful ceremony planned.)

2. Hangry is awful when traveling

R. gets a raging case of the hangries* every few days because he doesn’t eat unless he notices he’s starving. This is a major problem when we travel, because hello not having breakfast and eating nothing but airplane food. By the end of just about every flight I’m ready to kill. I should start bringing juice boxes and Clif bars, like the parents of toddlers. Can you even bring a juice box on a plane? I’m imagining that conversation with the TSA agent: “No, I don’t have a toddler, but trust me, he acts like one when his blood sugar drops.”

3. Traveling with weird food is fun

R.’s dad gave us some home made dried fruit and jerky to take home with us. We went carry-on, so we stuck the vacuum-sealed bags in our luggage and hoped no one would care. While the bag was going through the x-ray machine, R. heard one TSA agent whisper incredulously, “Holy crap, is that steak?” Considering the shit TSA sees on a daily basis, that guy had to be new.

4. LAX: You suck

LAX is under construction. I don’t know if this has been going on for a while (it’s only my second time in LAX, and the first time it was our final destination so we didn’t have to deal with moving gates) but my god, what a clusterfuck. We actually had to take buses between the gates, which cut our wonderful two-hour dinner break to a frantic, 30 minutes to eat at Burger King break. See also: hangriness.

5. Gas

Why is it when people write about traveling, they never mention the fact that the airplane could possibly be kept aloft by the sheer amount of farting that goes on in air? Between the bad food, fizzy beverages, and expansion of intestinal gasses caused by high altitude, air carriers should probably look into this as an alternative source of lift. I’m also convinced this is why planes smell the way they do. Not precisely like a toilet, but very, very lived-in.

6. Flight phobia and me

So, I’m not a great flier. I have anxiety and I don’t like the idea of suddenly falling thousands of feet to a fiery death, but I deal with it because I know logically I stand less of a chance of dying in an aircraft than winning the lottery.** As a result, I can usually self-soothe*** enough to chill the fuck out, except for one major occurrence: takeoff or landing in a storm. I’m cool with turbulence in air, I’m good with clouds, but the buffeting feeling caused by a storm while hurtling towards a runway gives me the screaming mimis every time. Hartford airport is like this every damned time I fly through it. Now that I live in the glorious Pacific Northwest, I’m doomed to this just about every time I get on a plane between September and June. Motherfucker. Good thing I don’t plan on too many cross-country flights.

7. Direct flight myths

Speaking of cross-country flights, there is supposedly a direct flight from the city I live in to the city my in-laws live in. I cannot find this flight, but desperately want to. R. and I have taken to referring to it as the Bigfoot of American airline travel. I just hope that if we do find it, the plane isn’t blurry.****

*Hungry plus Angry equals Hangry. So remember kids: don’t do drugs, drink your milk, stay in school and keep your blood sugar stable. The more you know.

** According to this, I’m wrong about that (at least in Scotland). Fuck.

***Thanks, therapy!

**** Best Mitch Hedberg joke ever: “I went to college once. It was a Wednesday.”

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