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We’ve all seen them: celebrity bloggers. But how, exactly, does one become a certifiable celebrity blogger? Everyone gives the standard advice: write good, consistent content, find your niche, post predictably, and network, but that fails for so many people. I’ve carefully watched pro bloggers and I believe I’ve discovered their secrets to success. Read on to discover how you, too, can be a big star on the internet.

Step One: Be a comment whore

Everyone on the internet likes comments on their posts. To correctly comment-whore, pick one to five sites you like. Begin commenting on every post put up by the blogger or bloggers on the site. Be certain to include your blog address in the comment somewhere! Above all, avoid having any valuable content in your comment. For example, if you enjoy food blogs do not comment with a link to a recipe that is similar to the one you are commenting on, or any story you have about attempting the provided recipe. This ads value. Instead, post “Yum!” or “How did you come up with that?! You’re so clever!”. These are useless comments which only serve to drive traffic your way and begin to set up your reputation as a blogger of note – you obviously have a relationship with other bloggers, otherwise you’d be trying to provide some content.

Step Two: Beg for complements in your posts

Be intentionally self-deprecating, but in a way that begs for people to tell you you’re wrong. A good example: if you are an attractive to beautiful woman, post a very well-lit, carefully Photoshopped photo of yourself in full makeup and your most flattering outfit. Claim you are either unattractive or grossly overweight. The goal of this step is to begin gathering commenters who will rabidly defend you against any and all who insult you.

If anyone addresses your blatant complement-seeking, ignore them. Once your other commenters begin to defend you against these individuals, you will know you’ve been successful.

Step Three: Post a racy or questionable photo or blog entry.

Describe your sex life in great detail. Bitch out a family member, close friend, or significant other and only thinly veil their identity. Pose in your underwear (even better if there’s a slightly-blurry nip slip!). Post something calculatedly racist, sexist, or extraordinarily insulting to another culture. Leave the post up until people begin to really notice it. Defend yourself vehemently (if step three worked, you should also have commenters defending you!). Claim you are misunderstood. Refuse to apologize or take responsibility for your words. Weasel, weasel, weasel! If the heat gets bad, take the post down. Never mention it again.

Alternatively, if you’ve ever engaged in any kind of pornography or nude/erotic photo shoots, make sure you find those photos. Explain to your readers about their existence and inform them that you are terribly embarrassed by their existence. “Discover” the location of the photos and rabidly attack the individual who has posted them. Encourage your readers to do the same. Make sure to frequently a) mention they are “out there” and b) remind your readers that you are mortified by this evidence. This tactic works best if you are a fairly attractive woman.

Step Four: Take an inexplicable dislike to a blogger that you know and have been friendly with in the past. Attack them.

Make sure your readers understand that this person has insulted or demeaned you in some way, but never fully explain it. Take every opportunity to allude to the fact that the rival blogger is determined to destroy you. Encourage your readers to give the other blogger a piece of their mind.

If possible, do this while working on a collaboration with the other blogger. Make sure the collaboration dies as a result of the damaged relationship. Imply it is the other blogger’s fault.

Step Five: Remember that you can do no wrong, then act like it.

Respond to every single criticism you receive with thinly-disguised disdain, if you respond at all. Randomly delete dissenting opinions on the grounds that they are “disrespectful.” When questioned, remind your readers that this is “your corner of the internet.” At any blog meetups, avoid talking to readers unless they bring you gifts – you belong with the other big time bloggers now. If forced to talk to a reader, be sure to be almost (but not quite) rude to them and avoid speaking when possible. Remember: you’re a hot shit internet blogger now, you don’t need those plebeians for anything other than page views.

Step Six: Shill, shill, shill!

Once you’re equipped with a rabid fanbase and have some notoriety from your blogger-against-blogger battle, companies will be knocking down your door! Remember, they don’t actually read your blog, they just skim any post not relating to their products. Take any and all products offered to you for review, even if they are only vaguely related to your blog topic. Always give a positive review. Try to work up to three to four review posts per week – you’re aiming for more posts with reviews than without. Cover your site with advertising. If you take an ethical stance on anything, make sure to include ads which contradict that stance.

Step Seven: Overexpose your family or private life.

Remember: you’re a bigtime blogging celebrity! Your friends and relatives only have as much privacy as you deem allowable. Also, remember that your children owe you their lives. Surely this gives you the right to expose every single embarrassing childhood moment they have on the internet, right? Be sure to carry your digital camera everywhere, and make everyone pause for photos at inopportune times (right after dinner has been served is excellent). If anyone complains, be sure to huff about it on your blog.

If you go through a death in the family, divorce, or other personal tragedy, milk that shit for all it’s worth. Some bloggers write tasteful or respectful posts about their exes, or tactfully describe their difficulties with grief or family drama. These people a) do not fully understand their rights to expose the lives of all connected with them (see Step Six) and b) are weaklings who will never be big stars. Have an ex? Publicly drag him through the mud. Kid sick? Write about her bodily functions in great detail. Your mom died? Fucking videotape that funeral. The only exception to this is any drama involving a falling-out with your in-laws. Readers will be absolutely rabidly curious – allude to the situation, but do not explain. They’ll be coming back for more for years. Plus, by doing this you can always claim that you use discretion “when necessary” if anyone criticizes your exposure of others in your life.

Step Eight: Do something extraordinarily ill-advised. Blog about it.

Announce your plan to: run a marathon with a sprained ankle, attempt to buy a house with a part-time job and $500 down, travel the world – on your credit card. Actively deride anyone with common sense who informs you this is a bad idea. In the lead up to your big event, taunt those who have provided good advice by calling them “jealous” or “haters.” When the plan falls through miserably or results in pain, loss, or financial suffering, complain your ass off while denying you should have listened to any of the advice given. Just because you knew better and tons of people told you not to carry through, you had a right to live your dream, dammit.

Step Nine: Quit your day job to live the dream of being a pro blogger.

Who needs a day job anyway? You make enough off of your husband to blog for a living. Quit your job and excitedly announce that you will be able to spend even more time on the internet. Ignore anyone who asks how you can afford it; they have no right to know how much your partner makes or how much your parents give you every month. Remind them that this is your calling, and that it will be exciting. Insist you’re just as interesting as ever, even though you have little to no interaction with anyone outside of your family since quitting your job. Remember: admitting that professional blogging is not for you or not as wonderful as you’d expected is a sign of failure. Be sure to get a pet so that after three months of going stir crazy from being locked up in the house all day staring at your computer, you can at least take photos of your new puppy for blog content.

This concludes our Handy Dandy Guide: How to Become a Celebrity Blogger. We hope this post has been informative! Remember, on your rise to internet stardom, I’m always ready to collaborate with a fellow blogger who finds my ideas helpful, and to destroy any blogger who doesn’t acknowledge this post’s role in his or her fame.