Everyone seems to have a list of lame things that they enjoy. Unfortunately for those of us who like laughing at people rather than with them, a lot of these lists contain things that most people admit to liking but are, for lack of a better word, goofy enough that a disclaimer is automatically added. Examples include, in no particular order: a) any TV show that appears on Bravo, TLC or VH1, b) popular kids’ books (fuck you, Harry Potter is legitimately awesome), c) radio-friendly rap music popular in the late ’80s and early ’90s (please see note on item b, substitute Funky Cold Medina for Harry Potter).

I’m going to try to find five things that are, in fact, completely lame and admit my love for them on the internet. I’m going for things I have been mercilessly made fun of by R. and my friends for, or things that would get me a weird look at a party (but would not result in my being avoided as if I loudly announced that I had, say, herpes). Down the rabbit hole we go, just give me a moment to bookmark my copy of Prisoner of Azkaban, turn off the episode of Jersey Shore I’ve got on, and queue up The Humpty Dance on my playlist.

1. Miami Rhapsody, starring Mia Farrow, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Antonio Banderas

Have you seen this piece of shit? No, don’t, please. Not on my advice. Even though I admit to fucking loving this abortion of a film, it is atrociously bad. Like, the kind of movie that makes even people who love Cats and Dogs walk out of the theater too embarrassed to ask for their money back. Even if you think Sarah Jessica Parker is god’s gift to acting, Antonio Banderas is god’s gift to women, or Mia Farrow was god’s gift to Woody Allen (until he screwed the pooch, take that how you will), save yourself the trouble. It sucks.

And yet knowing this, I willingly paid (in actual dollars!) $2.99 plus shipping for this trash because I cannot look away.  It’s the movie equivalent of raw cookie dough to me – terrible for me in the long-term with an added risk of possible projectile vomiting, and yet so damn perfect I keep coming back for more.

2. Really terrible covers on fantasy novels

I’m not talking about the awful Elijah Wood covers on the Lord of the Rings movie tie-in books, but sort of thing that can make people move away from you on public transportation almost as fast as whipping out a wrinkled and stained copy of Hustler during the morning commute.* Really, they’re fantastic. Low-quality artwork, over-muscled men, over-boobed (busted?) women. Bonus points if the cover has a dragon and the book has nothing to do with dragons.

I hold a special place in my heart for bad fantasy novel covers that are so jam-packed with crap that you cannot even begin to determine what the hell the story has to be to make that situation possible. Of course if you’ve actually read some fantasy, you quickly give up any hope that the story in any way resembles the cover because you know perfectly well the artist hasn’t so much as looked at the sample chapter sent by the publisher. He’s too busy drawing the large-breasted blonde woman holding a sword wider than she is for the cover of Sword and Sorceress volume #439. If you need more convincing, please review this article. Behold their beauty and thank god you don’t know me, because I’d totally carry those books around in public if only to watch R. squirm.

* Actually, it may be better than a Hustler. There’s always the one guy who scoots closer when you try that trick, usually with his fly down.

3. Making PowerPoint slides

These are awesome to work on. I know everyone hates doing them for a variety of reasons – usually because it requires attempting to learn anything about said program, which no one wants to do, and because it reminds them that they have a presentation coming up soon, which only sick people enjoy – but I love making PowerPoint slides. It hits all of my perfectionist buttons and allows me to create what I like to call “decent PowerPoint slides.” Yes, I am aware that this is an oxymoron to most people, but I swear I can do it and it makes creating a PowerPoint slide enjoyable, nay, exhilarating. The trick seems to be leaving out all the goddamned clip art. Tip: if someone else has provided you with clip art, delete it and feign ignorance. Your audience may be bored stiff (hey, I said I could make the slides decent, not the presentation) but at least their eyeballs won’t be assaulted by tiny .jpgs of stick-figure ants mowing the lawn in the middle of a business meeting.

4. YouTube comments

I think most people can agree that the comments section of YouTube is essentially the dregs of the internet, and considering some of the bizarre fetishes catered to on the web that’s saying something.* All kinds of wackadoo happens there, from the certifiably fucked-up to the hilarious. I can’t look away, no matter how skeeved-out or angry I get. A particular gem that springs to mind is this one. Go on, read through a few pages to find the bizarre. Found it? Good. I think you’ll agree with me: what the fuck.

*Google “Mud Stuck Girls” for an example of really, um, specific fantasy requirements. That one floors me not because it’s shameful because it’s just so, so, exact.

5. Listening to the same song over and over and over and over and…

The Humpty Dance has been on repeat the entire time I’ve been writing this. ‘Nuff said.