8:00 am: Wake up to your alarm. Hit the snooze button. Fall asleep.

8:09 am: Wake up to your alarm. Turn off alarm, decide to get out of bed. It’s 8:09 am, and you will not be one of those unemployed people who sleeps until 11:00. Think about the wonderful things you will accomplish, because you have the willpower to get up early even though you do not have a job to be at. Snuggle with your significant other. Fall asleep.

10:30 am: Wake up. Note that it is raining, and you are still in bed. Think about getting up. Snuggle more. Fall asleep and/or doze.

10:59 am: Get out of bed. Congratulate yourself on getting out of bed before 11:00 am.

11:05 am: Make tea. Decide you are not hungry for breakfast.

11:08 am: Decide you are hungry for breakfast. Make breakfast.

11:10 – 11:25 am: Eat breakfast and drink tea. Eating is your time, do not think about looking for gainful employment. That can begin as soon as breakfast has finished.

11:25 – 11:30 am: Check e-mail. Read all e-mails, even the ads. In the event that a friend, family member or other real-life person e-mails you, put “respond to e-mail” on your mental to-do list. Promptly forget to respond to all e-mails.

11:30 am – 12:00 pm: Check Google Reader or other RSS feed, your news site of choice, your forum of choice, and any other websites you are even passingly fond of.

12:00 – 1:00 pm: Refresh Google Reader or other RSS feed, your news site of choice, your forum of choice, and any other websites you are even passingly fond of in case of new posts/articles/comments/threads. Repeat as needed.

1:01 pm: Think about how much time you have to complete all of the things you will do today, since you have nowhere you need to be. Congratulate yourself on being good at getting things done, even in the absence of schedules, workplaces, or any type of demand on your time.

1:02 – 1:30 pm: Refresh Google Reader or other RSS feed, your news site of choice, your forum of choice, and any other websites you are even passingly fond of in case of new posts/articles/comments/threads. Repeat as needed.

1:31 pm: Consider walking to an overpriced coffee shop for a latte or other hot, caffeinated beverage of your choice. Realize this involves a) spending money and b) putting on pants. Decide to make beverage at home.

1:32 – 1:40 pm: Make hot, caffeinated beverage of your choice.

1:41 – 1:45 pm: Attempt to convince self that beverage you have made is, in any way, similar to the beverage of your choice.

1:46 – 2:00 pm: Think about showering.

2:01 – 2:30 pm: Refresh Google Reader or other RSS feed, your news site of choice, your forum of choice, and any other websites you are even passingly fond of in case of new posts/articles/comments/threads. Repeat as needed.

2:31 – 2:35 pm: Go to bathroom and begin to prepare for shower by gathering towels, clean clothes, etc. Studiously avoid looking at the [insert exercise of your choice here] clothing you had laid out the night before.

2:36 – 2:45 pm: Shower.

2:46 – 3:00 pm: Stand under hot water in shower.

3:01 – 3:15 pm: Get out of shower, dry, put on Adult Clothing. Celebrate dressing yourself. You have Accomplished a Thing.

3:16 – 3:20 pm: Have short spat with significant other over minutia of your choice. (Suggestions: who looked at whom funny first, whether multiple spoonfuls of peanut butter can be considered a meal, whether “vroom” is an onomatopoeia.)

3:21 – 4:00 pm: Stew over spat. Decide relationship has clearly fallen apart. Begin to wonder how you will survive on your own as you are jobless. Realize you will die homeless and alone, in a gutter. Perk up slightly when you realize significant other will blame him/herself for your death. Immediately feel bad about perking up. Realize that not only are you jobless, but that man, you sure know how to pick ’em.

4:01 pm: Significant other walks by you and, instead of looking at you with murderous intent as expected since they wish you dead, smiles and kisses your forehead.

4:02 – 4:30 pm: Forget completely about all events occurring between 3:16 pm and 4:00 pm. Revel in your wonderful, healthy, happy relationship. Congratulate yourself! You may be jobless but man, you sure know how to pick ’em.

4:31: Sneeze.

4:32 – 4:45 pm: Panic about sickness and lack of reliable health insurance. Review every ache, pain, sneeze and discoloration you can remember. Convince yourself you may die.

4:46 – 5:00 pm: Consult Dr. Google. Fully convince yourself you will die in minutes.

5:01 pm: Realize you are very hungry, and realize people have told you that the terminally ill typically are not hungry ever. Although you have doubts about this, cling to the idea. Decide you will die immediately following dinner.

5:01 – 5:10 pm: Think about what you would like to eat. Decide you will cook. It is A Thing To Accomplish. Plan an elaborate dinner.

5:11 – 5:15 pm: Stand in front of the refrigerator. Realize you have a) peanut butter, b) hummus, c) eggs, d) assorted breads and pasta, e) some cheap, frozen meat that will take several hours to thaw f) beer. Consult significant other, who decides he/she would prefer cereal with milk than previously imagined elaborate dinner. Consider your ingredients.

5:16 – 5:20 pm: Warm pita, spread with peanut butter or hummus. Consume, follow with beer. In beery haze, completely forget about plans to die immediately following dinner.

5:21 pm: Decide to begin Accomplishing Things.

5:22 -5:40 pm: Look at job announcements. Begin to prepare resume and applications, realize you need to contact potential references.

5:41 pm: Realize it is Saturday and potential references are not working.

5:42 pm: Decide to read a book.

5:42 – 6:00 pm: Read book. Put book down every few sentences. Sigh.

6:01 pm: Suggest a movie to significant other. Agree to watch one, but fail to decide on what to watch.

6:02 – 6:10 pm: Wash dishes. Congratulate yourself, as you have Accomplished a Thing.

6:11 – 7:00 pm: Refresh Google Reader or other RSS feed, your news site of choice, your forum of choice, and any other websites you are even passingly fond of in case of new posts/articles/comments/threads. Repeat.

7:01 pm: Decide to call your mother. Realize it is 10:01 pm in her time zone. Decide not to call.

7:02 – 8:00 pm: Refresh Google Reader or other RSS feed, your news site of choice, your forum of choice, and any other websites you are even passingly fond of in case of new posts/articles/comments/threads. Repeat as needed.

8:01 – 9:00 pm: Converse with significant other. Topics may include, but are not limited to: a) how much one or both of you need to get out of the house more often, b) needing a job, c) how little food there is in the house, d) how you should watch a movie, but can’t decide which one to watch.

9:01 – 10:30 pm: Watch movie with significant other.

10:31 – 11:00 pm: Discuss movie with significant other. This period may extend by up to thirty minutes if the movie was a) extremely bad or b) extremely good.

11:01 – 11:15 pm: Make bed. Congratulate yourself on Accomplishing a Thing.

11:15 pm – 12:00 am: You have a choice of the following activities:

a) Refresh Google Reader or other RSS feed, your news site of choice, your forum of choice, and any other websites you are even passingly fond of in case of new posts/articles/comments/threads. Repeat as needed.

-OR-

b) Read book. Put book down every few sentences. Sigh.

12:01 am: Realize it is now past midnight. Decide to go to bed soon.

12:02 – 1:30 am: Engage in time-wasting activity of your choice. (Suggestions: write in your blog/journal, knit, mope, play with phone.) You will receive additional recognition as a stellar Unemployed Individual if time-wasting activity is something someone else has made a living doing, but you yourself would not be able to. See: blogging, writing, painting, playing any musical instrument.

1:31 – 1:40 am: Get ready for bed. Look directly at [insert exercise of your choice] clothing. Set alarm for 8:00 am.

1:41 – 2:00 am: Get in bed. Think about the Things you will Accomplish tomorrow. Drift off to sleep while congratulating yourself on not being one of those unemployed people who doesn’t do anything all day.

Congratulations! You have just successfully completed a Saturday as an Unemployed Person!

Advertisements